Collection of JOKES

Subject: Collection of JOKES Wed Jul 22, 2009 9:36 am

anong sinabi ng ipis sa taong nanghampas ng tsinelas sa kanya?

"ayus ka ah, kung makahampas ka akala mo anak mo ko ha!"

quotes from the greatest warriors:

I came, I saw, I conquered - julius caesar
I shall return - D.McArthur

I will fight iniwan, iniwer, initym – PACMAN

Pare 1: noong buntis ang misis ko.. paborito nya ang Lord of the Rings 2 Towers.. ayun.. kambal anak namin…
Pare 2: ang misis ko.. paborito nya yung The 3 Musketeers.. ayun.. triplets anak namin..
Biglang nanghina yung isang kumpare nila…
Pare 1 at 2: Bakit?? ano bang paborito ng misis mo??
Pare 3: 300!!!

UBAN-

Anak: Nanay, bkt madami kayong puting buhok?
Nanay: Dahil kasi sayo yan anak...
Nanay: Sa bawa't kalokohan na ginagawa mo...dumadami puting buhok ko!
Anak: Aaahhh...ganun po ba?
Anak: Kaya pala puro puti na buhok ni lola!

——————-
10 craziest things na ginagawa pag nalalasing
1. cries without reason
2. nagbibigay ng advice sa kapwa lasing
3. sings ng pasintunado
4. cols with text ang ex para makapagusap ng walang sense
5. naiinlove na lang ng bigla
6. ginagawang unan ang toilet bowl
7. nagiging galante
8. ikukuwento ang buhay ng buong angkan
9. nagiging english speaking kahit wrong grammar
10. panay ang sabi ng “hindi na ako iinum!!!” habang nagsusuka
pero siyempre salitang lasing lang yun coz after the hangover
sarap magcheers for the good times…
——————-
Kumatok ang isang ahente sa bahay. pagbukas ni misis ng pinto, agad pumasok ang ahente
at ikinalat sa sahig ang ebak ng kabayo. sabi ng ahente: Mam, pag hindi nalinis ng
Vacuum cleaner ko ang kalat… kakainin ko ang mga yan!!!
Misis: ay putang ina ka!!! umpisahan mo na pagkain niyan at BROWNOUT kami ngayon
——————-
Feet: ako na yata ang pinakapagod lakad ng lakad kung saan ako dalhin ng amo ko
Butt: sa akin ang pinakamahirap araw araw toilet bowl ang kaharap ko.
Brain: pinakamahirap na ata ang sa kin kahit tulog boss ko tratrabaho pa din ako
Penis: puro easy pala ang trabaho nyo.. ako gabi-gabi pinakakagat at sinisipsip
tapos pinagagalit at pinapapasok sa pinakamadilim na kweba..
tapos iuuntog ng iuuntog hanggang sa mahilo ako at magsuka ng magsuka!!!
——————–
Atty: asan ka ng mangyari ang rape???
Witness: sa maisan
Atty: anong ginagawa mo dun??
Witness: tumatae Po
Atty: ilang hakbang ka mula sa krimen??
Witness: Aba ewan!!! may tumatae bang pahakbang hakbang??
——————–
though peace
though peace is very important in our lives
cause without thought peace
paano tayo makakapag thought brass!!!
——————
KUWENTONG PAMPAMILYA
DOKTOR: Ilan po lahat ang anak nyo Ale?
PASYENTE: Labing-lima po lahat.
DOKTOR: Andami naman, hindi po ba kayo gumagamit ng PILLS, CONDOM, WITHDRAWAL, o kahit IUD?
DOKTOR: Cross my heart, Dok! TITI lang ho talaga!!!
——————
MAG BOYFRIEND NAG LALAMBINGAN
BF: LING, LARO TAYO
GF: O SIGE, ANONG LARO ANG GUSTO MO?
BF: GARA-GARAHEAN. IKAW ANG GARAHE AT AKO NAMAN ANG KOTSE. IPAPASOK KO NA ITONG KOTSE KO SA GARAHE MO. MAKA-ILANG BESES LABAS MASOK ANG KOTSE SA GARAHE.
GF: LING, TI-TIKITA
N KITA.
BF: EH BAKIT NAMAN?GF: EH HINDI KA MARUNONG MAG”PARK” IYONG DALAWANG GULONG MO SA LIKURAN NAKALABAS PA

DadHolding 2 toys letting his son choose) si barbie or superman??
Son: superman dad!!!
Dad: good!!(he then left)
Son:Guwapo mo superman!!! nakaumbok pa!! uuuuhhhhmmm!!!
______________________
HOLDAP
B1re,nahoLdp ako muntik pa ako mamatay!
B2:bakit,hindi ka ba humingi ng tuLong?
B1:nag-text ako sa puLis stati0n!
B2:bakit,anong repLy?
B1:haynaku, eo repLy! “hu u?”Wr did u get
my no.?!
___________________
After inspection:
“miss,wag ka munang umalis..
check ko ulit gamit mo..
nasama ata ang puso ko e..”
-WHATEVER, manong guard.
_______________________
ISANG PROBINSYANONG NAG-RENT NG ROOM SA
HOTEL
PROBNSYANO: Alam ko na probinsyano lang
ako kaya wag mo akong lolokohin. Bakit
ganito room ko? Maliit, walang kama at
bintana. Ang mahal mahal ng bayad ko,
tapos ganito lang?
BELLBOY: Sir nasa elevator palang tayo,
wag ka excited.
________________________
ACCORDING TO SCIENTIFIC STUDIES
1 stick of cigarette
rEdUcEs Life
by 5 minutes.
but SEX
incrEasEs Life
by 10 minutes.
So the bAsic sEnsE
Of this statement is,
Kahit maLakas manigariLyo
bsta maLib0g
matagaL mamatAy!
___________________
evolution ng bagong mcdo comerciaL:
‘miss ang sexy mo ah,
pa gerger ka naman..! gerger gerger gerger!
___________________
Pedro: Niloko ko yung tindera kanina.. hahahaha
Juan: paano mo nmn niloko yung tindera??
Pedro: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong cellphone!!!
___________________
Teacher: Why are you late??
Jr: mam, ther was a man who lost his P500 bill
Teacher: good!!! you helped him look for it right??
Jr:No Mam!!! tinapakan ko po kasi hanggang sa umalis siya!!!
____________________
Man told lady after he raped her…
‘in nine months you will have a child, call him Hercules!!!’
The lady replied,
‘in nine days youll have rashes on your penis, call it herpes!!!’
____________________
Mga tanong na kailangan ng malalim na pag-iisip
1. Ang lamok ba pag natutulog nilalamok din??
2. Puwede bang uminum ng coke kapag coffee break???
3. ang uod ba pag namatay inuuod din???
4. bakit ang blackboard kulay green??
5. ang lason ba pag naexpired nakakalason pa din??
6. nanganganak ba ang mga bakla?? kung hindi.. bakit sila dumadami??
7. pwede bang magdinner ang may dalang lunchbox???
8. pag sinabi bang 6 feet anim ang paa mo??
____________________
Bunso: Itay, tingnan nyo po drawing ko oh
Tatay: wow!! ang galing namang magdrawing ng monkey ng bunso ko
Bunso: Itay, kayo po yan!!!
_____________________
feet
anong feet ang masakit? edi FEETick! hahahaha!
_____________________

future family
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me … it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private
parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test…..we couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.

d best

:)

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